getting gutsier or getting tired? Settling in or settling?

I have a little over three months left here. I've been here about seven months. I've just been appointed Intern Coordinator at my NGO, which is probably the perfect job for me (in Cairo, hanging out with and mentoring college students, emailing people, working at an NGO dedicated to understanding between Arab and Western societies, in an office with great people, and getting paid for it!). I love this new job, even though I haven't technically started yet, but at the same time I am stepping back to look at my life.

While I am uncontrollably excited about this job I have to wonder, who am I becoming? The pieces of my life seem to be falling into place more and more but I would never want to be one who just goes with the flow. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and am choosing who I want to be. Along with the responsibility of this job comes the ability for me to quit my teaching job. I have been told before (by co-workers back in college) that my spiritual sin is sloth (haha). The lazy part of me is all about having one job, being able to have absolutely no responsibilites outside of 9-5, and the lazy part of me also is now kind of burrowing away, spending days and nights in comfort instead of forcing myself to look at and do things that make me uncomfortable.

I believe that discomfort and risk are the ways that people grow. I also believe that living to be safe and comfortable is a grievous sin and waste of a life. For these reasons (among others) I came to Egypt, and I've told myself that I will never settle for an easy life, never give up on my ideals and pursuit of righteousness. I tell myself that I refuse to become a coward, because the cowardly life is not worth it.

When I first came here, surviving and absorbing the world around me seemed like an endless task. Now I am getting tired... I am tired of seeing essentially the same multi-colored higab coordinated outfits ever day. I am tired of hearing and seeing the same lude things from young men and boys and occasionally old men. I'm tired of always being self conscious of my body and where it could be grabbed or commented on. I am tired of people laughing at me for no conceivable reason. I am tired of not being able to understand, of people thinking I understand everything or nothing of what's happening around me, usually the latter. I am tired of having to bumble through a second language that I'm nowhere near fluent in. I'm tired of being judged by Egyptians, foreigners, and mostly myself for my degree of integration into the culture. I'm tired of constantly feeling incompetent. I'm tired of being away from my best friends and family and not being able to call them. I'm tired of eating greasy food or paying too much for it. I'm tired of being cold because there's no heating. Most of all though, I'm tired of being tired.

I kinda hate myself because I'm hear to push my limits and my comfort zone, avoid a life of easiness and isolation. I am not a person that really likes routines, predictability, cleanliness, staying at home, and yet I find myself turning into an old lady now. I like going to work and coming home every day around the same time, stopping in the morning to buy a water and a snack, swiping my metro pass, listening to music while I ride and walk to work, sitting at my same desk, talking to the same people, in English, going to the same sandwich stand with the same people every day for lunch, talking on gchat with my friends back home in the afternoon, walking back to the metro, riding it home, hanging out with my American roommates, going to bed. Occasionally my days will include hanging out with friends, but I don't want to stay out late (even though I don't have to get up early for work I just don't like being out late anymore). Ocassionally I'll go see my Egyptian family and love the routine of eating, drinking tea a half hour later, talking, watching Egyptian Christian television, sleeping, eating, talking, and going home. I love Saturday mornings going to the orphanage where I can play with babies who demand absolutely nothing from you.

I'm trying to decide if all this old-people-like routine is a good thing or not. On the one hand, yes I've made a comfortable life and community for myself here. My roommate says this is an accomplishment in itself. On the other hand, I really am not here to make myself comfortable, that's in fact the exact opposite of what I want. However, I am also realizing the value of making life sustainable and feeling like I have meaning in it. In my new job and in my life with the people I already have relationships with I feel like I am able to contribute something, which I need to feel. On the other hand, vulnerability and humility I value deeply, but I also think are two of the hardest things in the world. I am starting to realize that its so much easier to forge a life for yourself where you are "doing something" than a life where you are vulnerable and humble to what God wants from you and to the people and world around you. I want the latter, but I grasp at the former. We all want to do something, we all want to make our mark on the world, that is not in itself a difference.

I also have noticed that along with myself feeling comfortable has come more confidence in being my own individual within this society. Gone are the days of swallowing my host culture completely in an attempt to impossibly fit in. For those of you who have known me as a pushover I think that things will be a little different when I get back. I have somehow found my inner strength to push back on things I don't like. I have decided I can give people dirty looks if they're being dirty, and I can say no if I don't want to do something, confront people on their prejudices, challenge people to think about Egyptian societal conventions. For example, today I argued with my Egyptian mother about which was better - Egyptian society which doesn't allow boys and girls to interact at all outside of engagement and a little in church, or American culture which lets anything go. She maintains that here there are no bad girls. I said she just doesn't see them, because I do know they exist. And I mean, are guy friends really that bad of an idea? As one of my roommates said, maybe if more guys had friends that were girls they wouldn't roam around in packs harassing girls, and they would think about the fact that girls are human beings and don't like being treated that way.

So anyway, I am at a crossroads and a paradox. I have settled in, but have I settled? I'm getting more able to assert myself and call people out, but am I less humble and vulnerable about my place here? I'm getting really used to and comfortable with my surroundings, but does that mean they're getting boring and my eyes aren't open to new possibilities? Hmmm