getting gutsier or getting tired? Settling in or settling?

I have a little over three months left here. I've been here about seven months. I've just been appointed Intern Coordinator at my NGO, which is probably the perfect job for me (in Cairo, hanging out with and mentoring college students, emailing people, working at an NGO dedicated to understanding between Arab and Western societies, in an office with great people, and getting paid for it!). I love this new job, even though I haven't technically started yet, but at the same time I am stepping back to look at my life.

While I am uncontrollably excited about this job I have to wonder, who am I becoming? The pieces of my life seem to be falling into place more and more but I would never want to be one who just goes with the flow. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and am choosing who I want to be. Along with the responsibility of this job comes the ability for me to quit my teaching job. I have been told before (by co-workers back in college) that my spiritual sin is sloth (haha). The lazy part of me is all about having one job, being able to have absolutely no responsibilites outside of 9-5, and the lazy part of me also is now kind of burrowing away, spending days and nights in comfort instead of forcing myself to look at and do things that make me uncomfortable.

I believe that discomfort and risk are the ways that people grow. I also believe that living to be safe and comfortable is a grievous sin and waste of a life. For these reasons (among others) I came to Egypt, and I've told myself that I will never settle for an easy life, never give up on my ideals and pursuit of righteousness. I tell myself that I refuse to become a coward, because the cowardly life is not worth it.

When I first came here, surviving and absorbing the world around me seemed like an endless task. Now I am getting tired... I am tired of seeing essentially the same multi-colored higab coordinated outfits ever day. I am tired of hearing and seeing the same lude things from young men and boys and occasionally old men. I'm tired of always being self conscious of my body and where it could be grabbed or commented on. I am tired of people laughing at me for no conceivable reason. I am tired of not being able to understand, of people thinking I understand everything or nothing of what's happening around me, usually the latter. I am tired of having to bumble through a second language that I'm nowhere near fluent in. I'm tired of being judged by Egyptians, foreigners, and mostly myself for my degree of integration into the culture. I'm tired of constantly feeling incompetent. I'm tired of being away from my best friends and family and not being able to call them. I'm tired of eating greasy food or paying too much for it. I'm tired of being cold because there's no heating. Most of all though, I'm tired of being tired.

I kinda hate myself because I'm hear to push my limits and my comfort zone, avoid a life of easiness and isolation. I am not a person that really likes routines, predictability, cleanliness, staying at home, and yet I find myself turning into an old lady now. I like going to work and coming home every day around the same time, stopping in the morning to buy a water and a snack, swiping my metro pass, listening to music while I ride and walk to work, sitting at my same desk, talking to the same people, in English, going to the same sandwich stand with the same people every day for lunch, talking on gchat with my friends back home in the afternoon, walking back to the metro, riding it home, hanging out with my American roommates, going to bed. Occasionally my days will include hanging out with friends, but I don't want to stay out late (even though I don't have to get up early for work I just don't like being out late anymore). Ocassionally I'll go see my Egyptian family and love the routine of eating, drinking tea a half hour later, talking, watching Egyptian Christian television, sleeping, eating, talking, and going home. I love Saturday mornings going to the orphanage where I can play with babies who demand absolutely nothing from you.

I'm trying to decide if all this old-people-like routine is a good thing or not. On the one hand, yes I've made a comfortable life and community for myself here. My roommate says this is an accomplishment in itself. On the other hand, I really am not here to make myself comfortable, that's in fact the exact opposite of what I want. However, I am also realizing the value of making life sustainable and feeling like I have meaning in it. In my new job and in my life with the people I already have relationships with I feel like I am able to contribute something, which I need to feel. On the other hand, vulnerability and humility I value deeply, but I also think are two of the hardest things in the world. I am starting to realize that its so much easier to forge a life for yourself where you are "doing something" than a life where you are vulnerable and humble to what God wants from you and to the people and world around you. I want the latter, but I grasp at the former. We all want to do something, we all want to make our mark on the world, that is not in itself a difference.

I also have noticed that along with myself feeling comfortable has come more confidence in being my own individual within this society. Gone are the days of swallowing my host culture completely in an attempt to impossibly fit in. For those of you who have known me as a pushover I think that things will be a little different when I get back. I have somehow found my inner strength to push back on things I don't like. I have decided I can give people dirty looks if they're being dirty, and I can say no if I don't want to do something, confront people on their prejudices, challenge people to think about Egyptian societal conventions. For example, today I argued with my Egyptian mother about which was better - Egyptian society which doesn't allow boys and girls to interact at all outside of engagement and a little in church, or American culture which lets anything go. She maintains that here there are no bad girls. I said she just doesn't see them, because I do know they exist. And I mean, are guy friends really that bad of an idea? As one of my roommates said, maybe if more guys had friends that were girls they wouldn't roam around in packs harassing girls, and they would think about the fact that girls are human beings and don't like being treated that way.

So anyway, I am at a crossroads and a paradox. I have settled in, but have I settled? I'm getting more able to assert myself and call people out, but am I less humble and vulnerable about my place here? I'm getting really used to and comfortable with my surroundings, but does that mean they're getting boring and my eyes aren't open to new possibilities? Hmmm

Kolena Gaza (we are all Gaza)

This slogan (Kolena Gaza) has popped up all over facebook, the news, the streets, the internet. I think its a pretty good one honestly, reminding us that these are human beings who are being killed, their lives being ruined, people just like us but extremely unfortunate, living in fear and squalor and deprivation and injustice under normal conditions and now, its unimaginable, that is if they aren't one of the over 1000 Palestinians who are already dead.

I am actually surprised how normal life has been here, despite this crisis. I expected perhaps more angry glares instead of friendly smiles and welcomes, especially when it comes out that I'm American (therefore my tax dollars are funding the bombs falling on Gaza, and I'm doing nothing to stop it). However, while I have been looking for hostile reactions, I really haven't found them, or any real differences in the rhythym of life here.

However, here are some things I've seen / heard.

Taxi Driver #1, driving me and my family to my apartment (day 2 of attacks): "Did you hear about Gaza?"
Me: "O ya I did hear"
TD1: "this is very bad."
Me: "Worse than before, right?"
TD1: "yes. Why is America doing this?"
Me: "I don't know, but we have a new president soon, maybe it will be better."
(he seems unconvinced)


Taxi Driver #2 (my favorite, driving De and I to dinner): "Where are you from?"
Me: "I'm from America, she's Canadian."
(long silence)
TD2: "Everyone in the world hates America right now."
Me: Hmm, ya, because of Gaza?"
TD2: "yes."
Me: "and you do also?"
TD2: "for sure."
De: "what's your opinion on Hamas?"
TD2: "It doesn't matter about Hamas, it matters that any people are dead. For example, if you have children, and they do something bad, you don't kill them. Do you understand?"
De and me: "yes I understand." (while really thinking this is sort of a weird analogy for the situation)
TD2: "For example if I marry you, and then you do something bad, I wouldn't kill you. I shouldn't do that. I would raise my voice maybe, but not kill you...."
Me: "hmmm ok, I understand."
TD2: "In sickness and in strength, hot and cold. I shouldn't kill you."
(I think on these odd analogies and wonder, is he saying that Israel is the parent and the husband? Or America, or Egypt, the army? or all humanity? Do these analogies extend to all human interactions which should not end in murder? Was my Arabic comprehension just completely off? Interesting...)

Me: What do you think of Gaza?
My friend A: "I don't care. Palestinians here in Egypt, they don't care about Gaza, so I don't care."
Me: "What, Palestinians don't care?"
A: "No, they don't care about Gaza."
Me: "But they are people, lots of people dying, they don't care?
A: "Oh but I care."
Me: "Really?"
A: "no not really. And they keep asking why Egypt doesn't make a war with Israel." (shakes his head)
Me: Ok

Article I read at work from an Egyptian newspaper summarizing the opinions of one Sheik:

If Israel heard the shouts of the Egyptian people at an Ehely (the most popular Egyptian club team) football match, they would leave Palestine. Palestine will always be occupied as long as football exists in Egypt because people care more about football than their suffering brothers and sisters in Palestine.

We drive past hundreds of people spilling out of the Medical Union building on the main street by our house, surrounded by 4 rows of riot police. (This same Medical Union apparently is heavily tied to the Muslim Brotherhood and sympathetic to Hamas. They have recently held many meetings about Gaza, plastered the main street with approximately 50 feet of giant blown up pictures of bloody, crying men, women and children and metro cars with posters about Gaza and collected aid donations to send there.)
Taxi Driver #3: "That's because of Gaza"
J: "There were people in the street before"
TD3: "Ya but there aren't now."
Me: "Because the police are everywhere."
TD3: "Because of the government, if you say anything, they will take you."


News I heard from my roommate: Progress is being made in negotiating a ceasefire between Hamas and Israel here in Cairo. As my roommate said, "YA Egypt!!"

Coming Home

My family has been here for the last approximately three weeks. I can't really describe it all, but it went really well. We went ALL OVER Egypt and had some good bonding time. Here are some memorable moments:

- Seeing my American mama crying with my Egyptian mama over her son having emigrated to America.

-going to Christmas Eve service with my whole family and all of my MESP friends, trying to reenact our Palestinian dance lessons in the church courtyard, then realizing the metro was closed so having to walk in a crowd of approximately 10 foreigners to catch a micro-bus.

-watching my 4 ft 8 in 14 year old host brother guide my 6 ft tall father through a massive, crowded Egyptian market

- discussing with my brother theories of morality, God, and humanity in our cruise ship bunker at 3AM.

-Cuddling in bed with my parents in the morning for the first time in approximately 15 years because it was so flippin cold in St Katherine's!

-Discussing with a stranger at 7 AM on the shore of the red sea why he should attempt not to be hung over every day like he has for the last eight years and his future as a body guard or gym proprietor in Dubai and agreeing to be his life coach over e-mail.

- receiving as presents from my Egyptian family to my American family: one purple be-jeweled bow (for me), one large purple headband that induced my mother to a massive head ache (for my mother), one letter B keychain (stands for Patrick, obviously, there isn't a P in Arabic), one letter M keychain (they couldn't remember my Dad's name so took an unlucky guess).

- Watching in horror as bombs fall over Gaza for the 15th day on TV in the supermarket with mom and my two favorite shopkeepers.

-watching my brother carry a giant blanket on his head through the streets of Cairo, looking for all the world like a very clever Egyptian woman.

-listening to 10 stanzas of my father's improvised rhythmic poetry composed to my best friend's car, nicknamed "little red chicken."

BUT the best part of all the traveling, as I'm realizing each time I do it, is coming home. And realizing that I have a home to come home to. I almost burst into tears when after two weeks of new places and faces I saw the back of my favorite supermarket guy's head, and I recognized it. I breathed in breath after breath of disgustingly polluted air of the city I love (for some reason leaving Cairo gives me respiratory problems). I called my friends, I ran along the Nile. I know this city, and I have a life here, I have a community.

I went back to work today as my family was heading to the airport. I caught up on the office drama, the new favorite lunch sandwich stands, met some new people.

I don't really care about seeing the temples and the bedouins and the camels and the sea and the mountains. But its beautiful and its worth it to leave if you can come back to something and someones, and to realize that you missed them, and they missed you. A rolling stone collects no moss, but maybe I really like the moss, moss is natural, moss is green and squishy and beautiful actually, rocks are meant to have moss. But real relationships are way better than moss, and I'm a lot less tough than a rock. I have been ridiculously blessed, I love my moss, but its not gonna wipe off so easily.

I've been having a lot of good thinks and good talks (particularly with my Dad), about what I'm gonna do when my plane leaves here. I have the ticket, I leave May 5 back to LAX. My mind refuses to picture or contemplate that day, and more still, I can't conceive of ever leaving here without knowing I'll be back soon and for a long time. However, I can't conceive of not going back to the part of me that is still in America. The part of me that is my relationships there but also my culture and language and roots. The way that several Americans I think are scared of the Middle East, I now feel scared, almost terrified of America. Its maybe even more terrifying because its my own country. What if I can never fit in there or live there again? Will I ever be content there? Or anywhere? I should be content with my life, but does that mean being content with everything around me? I want to keep growing the way that I grow here, but I think maybe I need to come home again, that larger homecoming, to realize what has changed, where I've been, who I am now. But what will I do? Will I be able to hold onto the life and hope that I want to? Will it all be a disappointment? Will I be able to relate to anyone? Will everyone have moved on without me?

And Gaza, over 900 dead, these are civilians. Do these things even register in the U.S.? If you're in the U.S. I would be curious to hear what you know about it and what you feel about it.