The Church

All my life I've had problems with churches, loving Jesus so much in large part because he never would've tolerated all the crap I see in the church today, and because he is so different than all the petty human and worldly cares, abuses of power, and hypocrisy that plague the church.

I have always been more than a little frustrated with the church, and had been hoping that maybe this was just the American church and that if I just went to another country, all people and groups claiming to be Christian would be much truer followers of Christ. It turns out, that's not gonna happen.

So I come to Egypt, idealistic, determined to find a church and a mentor and to live the Christian lifestyle in that church. I started going to service EVERY week, tithing, volunteering with some awesome people, and found a spiritual mentor in a pastor there that I talked to at least once a week. I started to feel like this was the church I was missing all along, it served and supported a very diverse group of people including me, doing really good work and feeling like a home.

But somehow I end up walking home from church crying again (reminiscent of middle school).

Today, I somehow found myself walking to a cafe with my pastor after church. This man is approximately 40, doesn't speak English all that well, African but not Egyptian (I will not say more in case his reputation might be at stake). He has sort of always given me sort of creepy vibes but I always ignored them cause he's a pastor, laughs all the time, I knew him two years ago, HE' S A PASTOR! I will stress this again. So he starts getting a little too forward in his touchiness, in the street (this is not really done in Egypt) but hey he's my OLD pastor, he's just trying to be reassuring and fatherly, right? So we go out for orange juice and he commences telling me how his mother had a dream that he would marry a white woman, how he told his Bishop he was probably getting married, that the holy spirit wants us to be together in love and that Satan is the one telling me I don't want to get married right now.

As these words go on I get more and more red and uncomfortable and unable to look at him or speak or even move. I say I don't understand, he laughs, and continues. I'm screaming on the inside, "sketchy, sketchy, sketchy, Kirsten run away! but this is ur pastor, u have to stay" at the same time. As he begins to tell me that God wants us all to be married for the sake of our bodies and minds, I remind him that Paul says its better to not marry. This pastor tells me I am mistaken in understanding scripture. What the hell kind of a pastor is this? I know my scripture and that's what it says, don't u dare try to deny what the Bible says! I ask what time it is, say I have to go to work, and run as fast as I can, still pretending nothing happened and I don't understand, and so I find myself walking home from church crying.

I get home and blow up at my roommate, "what the hell?! This is abuse of authority! How do I get myself into these situations?! Crap I can't go back to church there! Crap I volunteer there! What the hell do I do? Why can't church just work out for me once in my freaking life?! Is it really THAT difficult to find a church where you can serve Jesus with sincerity and not worry about creepy old pastors posing as your mentor and friend. This, exactly this, is why I fear and hate authority figures, I thought I was starting to move past this!"

And then I hit myself on the head and think, I really don't have that big of problem here. I can switch churches, I can get away. I think of my Egyptian sisters. Gigi just had a baby by c-section. This tiny baby and this very tired and ill and abused woman are having to return to an abusive husband /father who beats Gigi and starves her (and most likely her daughter too) because the church refuses to recognize divorces for any reason and the family's reputation in the church is too important to let Gigi live without her husband.

Not to mention this sick, abusive man is a pediatrician and respected church member. She met him at church. And then my other sister Sara is now having gossip spread about her through the church because she was seen near a girl who was talking with a boy in the street, which is jeopardizing her chances for marriage as well, which is tantamount to death. It is partly the gossipy nature of lower class Cairo that's doing this to Gigi and her family, but also partly the people of the church. I mean Jesus, how is this happening? How do you let your body abuse and be abused so horribly under the umbrella of your name?

I see the way that class divisions are mirrored in the church in almost every society. There are the rich Evangelical and Coptic churches and the poor Evangelical and Coptic churches here in Egypt. There is a sense of the church being almost like a social club here. You go to church for social reasons and you keep yourself isolated from the big, scary Muslim society. You hate and fear Muslims because its easier and safer that way than contemplating the fact that someone you know and love might not share your faith. After all, if you know people with other beliefs, then you might question if it all in fact is true. A contemplated and tested faith is a sought after treasure and a gift from God (albeit difficult and painful) in my mind and in the Bible, and yet why does the church so many places insist on protecting its people from this to maintain something shallower? Is it all about the power structure? About stability? About making sure your children go to heaven? What is this!??

And then I see my family here pray hard and live in joy with each other and trust Jesus and welcome anyone who God puts in their path (this includes me) as they would Jesus, despite however much this also might be harming their reputation. I see the churches in Cairo being the only free tourist attractions, with free tour guides, which is huge in a country that wrenches every possible cent out of every tourist. I see a Christian woman in the Metro being the only one to offer any reassurance or even contact (plus a piece of candy) to the Muslim mother of a screaming child on the Metro. I see an entire organization of people working hard, motivated by Christ, to care for the refugees (the lowest of the low) here in Egypt. I see my roommates rushing to hug and comfort me and fight my enemies and ignore all my faults, which in this world seems impossibly good. I hear God telling me to speak to and love certain people. But yet, can it ever be that YOUR TRUE CHURCH exists? Is this something that will only come after the Day of Judgment?

Thank God for Hope.