9-11

September 11th, 7 years after the fact, and I find myself in Cairo.

I had forgotten that it was this day and according to Alissa, the American news has forgotten also, or has better things to talk about this year. My co-worker says its because of Obama. I wrote the date on the board for my student but you write it the other way here (so 11-9) and I didn't even think about it. Alissa and I both wore black today on accident, whether coincidently or subconsciously I don't know.

After eating Iftar (breakfast at night for Ramadan) at work, Alissa, our Egyptian co-worker/friend and I sleepily sat outside digesting in the garden, a slight, expectant after dusk breeze ruffling the humid air and bushes surrounding us, and we talked about this day 7 years ago. My co-worker is 20, I'm 21, Alissa is 23, we all remember this day clearly. We all watched the planes and buildings collide in shock and horror on the TV over and over. We watched the people running and jumping and couldn't believe. Alissa was in Physics class calculating the velocity of falling people in her head. I was on the Bishop's school quad watching the sky for a single plane flying to make life normal again, thinking selfishly that my birthday in a few days was going to suck.

My co-worker says that no one can love this day, even if they only love Arab Muslims because Arab Muslims in America had a worse life after this day, and all things in the World became worse after this day.

Tragedy is the word which makes most sense here. My coworker, Alissa and I all nod as it comes out of Alissa's mouth. This tragedy started a ripple of tragedies that is echoing through the world still in so many unimaginable eye for an eye situations, in so many violent minds who were seeking justification, in so many individual and collective consciousnesses that have been plunged into pain and fear as a direct or indirect result of this one day. But this day had to do with people, it didn't just happen, and it wasn't just crazy terrorists, there are forces at work here that we can't even fathom and as the actions befitting these forces are escalated, tragedy and despair seem the only thing appropriate. And then there comes hope, the highest form of which comes out of tragedy and despair.

With a lot on my mind I didn't even remember the significance of this day until Alissa brought it up, but then after we talked I suddenly wanted to cry for my country and for it's dead and wounded, which I don't think I ever even did in 2001. Cry for the unimagined ripples carrying on. Marvel at the fact that I'm in Cairo right now discussing this, when seven years ago, in tenth grade of prep school, vaguely hearing about Middle Eastern conflict, Saadam Hussein, and Egyptian terrorists all rolled together, how would I ever fathom that I would be here trying to pick apart the pieces of that bundle and put back together the pieces of the world that were ripped apart and scattered, one possibility of a fraction of a peice at a time? How does it take being so far from your country to discover the deep love and protectiveness for it that you harbor and hide? And so I think maybe for the first time I am really starting to mourn the loss that was 9-11.

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So today, a lot was on my mind besides recent history because today had to be my day to confront injustice in the church. I had to think of it this way in order to muster up the courage. I have had encouraging emails expressing sympathy and similar stories from people ranging from my best friends from college to my grandmother. My friends here offered help in the form of disguising themselves as my Christian fiance by drawing crosses on their wrists and coming to talk to this guy with me (my coworker) as well as beating this man up (Rebecca) and havng me vent until my laugh went back to its normal level of happiness (Mohammed). I talked to my best friends here and this is the advice I got: You need to talk to this pastor and the Bishop because otherwise you will never have peace, and you need to confront these issues in the church or else they can go for centuries. So after accidently yelling at my best friend here (and quickly apologizing), Mohammed (who deserves being yelled at less than anyone I know) out of the intense anger I felt about this subject (a combination of my hate for authority figures and manipulation, particularly of the religious kind) I knew I had to do something besides complain.

So following my friends' advice and my own advice I had given to a friend in a similar situation, I steeled myself and my extremely shaky knees and talked to Mr. Pastor today. I said everything I had to say, and I said it with a straight face. (I am a little worried that the intense scowl that I seem to wear on the street these days to ward off the yelling and grabbing and the disillusionment I seem to keep facing is starting to seep into my soul and take away a lot of the light-heartedness that is usually so much my nature). Basically, I told this man that it was wrong of him to talk this way, he had no right to tell me what the Bible said and Satan said on this subject and that he should never do this again. There was nothing else I could say, and still he didn't seem to understand that this was a problem. He was still saying the same things, laughing, saying it was no problem for him that I was saying this. I wanted to scream, "Its a problem for me! That's what I'm saying! Its a problem for the church! Of course its not a problem for you!" Fortunately I kept calm, I went straight to talk to the Bishop, my knees getting back to shaking again between the church and the office building. I've never talked to a Bishop, but I go. I tell him the situation, actually tearing up a little a couple times when he apologizes to me, thank God the Bishop agrees with me that this is not ok! And it turns out Mr. Pastor is not actually a Reverend, he has not theological degree or authority. Thank God I know that too! For some reason that does make me feel better, not that I put a whole lot of faith in academic learning as you all know.

But I did it and I didn't back down and I made my complaint heard within the church in the most honest and unvicious way possible I think. Alissa and Mohammed were very wise to advise me this way. If I want to be a woman of integrity and her word I can't go around complaining about injustice and then run away upset and scared and self-righteous, especially within the church, that is exactly the problem. People who see injustice or misdirection, know its wrong, and still stand by and do nothing, are the most to blame. The church is floundering so severely in large part because good people see the bad in it and instead of deeming it worth the pain and effort to combat or speak against injustice we often look to escape. But Christ died for his bride. If he cared that much, how can we run away?

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And here is my question for this week:

Why does sacrifice exist and why is it so important?

In a discussion of marriage in one of my advanced conversation classes the topic of sacrifice came up as something you learn in marriage. The conversation goes something like this, as I became desperately curious about this question:

Ahmed: You learn sacrifice.

Me: Ya! sacrifice! Why is this important?

(silence)

Do you think its important to learn how to sacrifice?

Mostafa: yes its important for marriage because you must always do things you don't want to do after you get married.

Me: ok yes, but is this an important thing to learn if you're not married?

(silence)

in life?

Noha, Ahmed, and Mostafa: "yes of course!"

me: why?

(silence)

Noha: maybe because no one will like you if you don't sacrifice.

Mostafa: yes if you don't sacrifice you will have no friends.

I let it go at that point, but why is it important?? I know its important to Christians, but I wanted to know if the theme carries outside of Christianity, if this is a deeply significant meaningful thing to all people. It seems like maybe, but maybe not, and maybe no one knows why.

I have discussed many times with my little brother, who I love and respect deeply, but who is almost completely opposite me in life philosophies and beliefs, the idea of sacrifice and why it exists in the world. His idea is that it was an evolutionary trait at the societal level that helped societies survive and therefore was selected for. This is why sacrifice exists in humanity and is praised by most humans, it helps the survival of a society.

I am not satisfied with these answers. Anyone else have an idea?